THE TEARS OF MOO
My life is the dream that everyone wants, and no one cares to admit. I have a wonderful home, I have a great family, and I have a beautiful baby girl who sleeps through the night without pain, or effort. My shower has a setting that drenches me with $100 bills; and I use the bills that don't come out wet to light my cigars when I sit in front of my Citizen Kane sized fireplace dreaming about what my next conquest will be.
That is of course the dream that everyone wants right?
My reality is somewhat different. My daugther (The Moo) is ill with Infant Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD), so for the most part nights are sleepless, and The Moo is in more pain than anything that small should be; my relationship with J is mostly buggered due to our attentions being focused solely on the infant; I live in a shitty top floor duplex apartment with very loud and noisy neighbours--on whom I've called the police twice; and I'm lucky if I find a single $10 bill in my wallet these days. Touché jeeves.
To me however the only thing that really matters are the moments when The Moo is in pain. She is a riot otherwise. She's cute, she's cudly, and she's a happy baby when she's not feeling the bitter sting of reflux and stomach contents. She's on medication--Losec--that she takes once a day that is difficult to administer who's side effects seem to be taking their toll on her. Quite a lot for a 6 month old to be dealing with, and yet when I think about the other people who's children have congenital diseases remedied only by surgery at even younger ages, and I go...yeah, it's not so bad after all.
My wife and I barely sleep, though I must admit I sleep longer than she only because I go to work in the morning. The majority of the time my wife is up with the Moo all night because the reflux causes The Moo to have somnia interruptus--she sleeps only in 45 minute chunks. Then she plays for 2 hours. To which the pediatrician reacts with a wagging finger meaning decidedly not normal.
So we with either hold her all night--more particularly J does--and we soothe her, and care for her as best we can. We don't go out. We don't see family. We don't see friends. We hang out in doctor's offices and emergency rooms. We keep our apartment like a tornado went through it, hoping that it serves to invite one--just to break up the monotony of it all. As a result we are miserably non existent, and terribly off course. With exception to work, and work people, human contact is absent. My wife's human contact is far less as it includes only myself and the Moo.
We continue the path of treatment knowing that she can will grow out of it, and with each passing day we wish and pray and need for this to all go away sooner, so we might have some semblance of life with a happy baby...look forward to those happy times...create happy memories of youth. I bought a video camera for Christmas to record the Moo's first one. Instead it's used to shoot video of her sleeping at night so we can show the pediatrician. Any remaning element of fun that we once had in our lives is gone, squandered, lost...only to return once the Moo's ailments yield either to age or medication.
We are now beyond the meds. The peds want tests tests and tests to confirm or deny the presence of aliens, bacteria, small larvae, intestinal malformation/rotation, and/or acid reflux (GERD). We will see. We continue to hope. We always wait...sometimes silently, other times with tears...
A horrifying waiting game this has become, with almost no end in sight. Yet then each day I come home and I see the tower of strength that is J. That she is the one who holds it all together, and without her interaction in both the Moo's and my life this just wouldn't be holding together. Thankfully matters of the heart do not only rely on me, since my heart has grown weak, and my body has aged faster than it should.
J is the light at the end of our tunnel. And with time (we both know) the Moo will become more like a regular child, and the tests tests and tests will subside...as will the pain...as will the screaming...as will the insomnia...
And the tears of moo I collect from the Moo in the cup of my hand. There they will stay until the pain leaves her and the sun comes out to dry them away. Then we will be a family free to be a family like we have never had the chance before.
[PAIN]
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
UNIVERSAL GROOVE BLOG BEGINS.
I've been working on an independent feature film for nearly 6 years. Shot in 1999, Universal Groove is finally nearing the end of post production. The shoot was rife with production and post-production issues and just to get to this point everyone involved really had to wend their ways down a twisted path.
A lot of people put a lot of hardwork into their contributions to this film, and I'm certain they've all either forgotten that the ever worked on the production, or no longer care whether it comes out, but it's good to acknowledge them anyway...so thanks (nods head), even to the green members of cast and crew.
We're close to the finish line--in that we can actually see it--for the first time since this journey began in the desert somewhere outside of Searchlight, Nevada so long ago. To this day I'm still haunted by flashes of yokels spinning their pickups round and round in the middle of nowhere at 5:45am...
Sometimes (on good nights) when I close my eyes I get flashes of a time even further back when visions of after hours clubs, interviews in strip clubs, and excessively long periods of missing time--likely due to one of the two former--dance across the inside of my eyelids.
So, what exactly happened to get us here? To this point? To this juncture? To this moment? and will we make it to the end?
The time has come for everyone to understand what it takes for an independent film to be made with money from your own pocket; with someone else's money; and with no money.
So I've started the Universal Groove Movie Blog as a sanctuary for the story of the "making of", and a place to come clean on everything that happened along the way. Ask and you shall receive.
[PLEASURE]
I've been working on an independent feature film for nearly 6 years. Shot in 1999, Universal Groove is finally nearing the end of post production. The shoot was rife with production and post-production issues and just to get to this point everyone involved really had to wend their ways down a twisted path.
A lot of people put a lot of hardwork into their contributions to this film, and I'm certain they've all either forgotten that the ever worked on the production, or no longer care whether it comes out, but it's good to acknowledge them anyway...so thanks (nods head), even to the green members of cast and crew.
We're close to the finish line--in that we can actually see it--for the first time since this journey began in the desert somewhere outside of Searchlight, Nevada so long ago. To this day I'm still haunted by flashes of yokels spinning their pickups round and round in the middle of nowhere at 5:45am...
Sometimes (on good nights) when I close my eyes I get flashes of a time even further back when visions of after hours clubs, interviews in strip clubs, and excessively long periods of missing time--likely due to one of the two former--dance across the inside of my eyelids.
So, what exactly happened to get us here? To this point? To this juncture? To this moment? and will we make it to the end?
The time has come for everyone to understand what it takes for an independent film to be made with money from your own pocket; with someone else's money; and with no money.
So I've started the Universal Groove Movie Blog as a sanctuary for the story of the "making of", and a place to come clean on everything that happened along the way. Ask and you shall receive.
[PLEASURE]
Sunday, October 16, 2005
BITCHING ABOUT THE SIZE OF THINGS
Alright scourge, so I've been away for a while...the better part of a year in fact. I haven't had the urge to rant and rave about all that much simply because life has just become so bearable and liveable. One would never think it reading through all the drivel I've dravel'd around. The more things change the more they stay the same right? Not in my case, I think that things somehow seem to shrink and grow, yet never implode or explode; as if life has finally hit that joyous equilibrium that we all strive for...be it marriage, companionship, children, a pet snake or a great CD collection, it's all the same, and it's all about walking the line with which you're comfortable. Whether you like it or not the change no matter what it is, can be weathered; and with just about the same amount of water you can cause it shrink or grow.
On J: Well sometime ago she decided to make a man of me, so I proposed, and we got married July 24, 2004. Great day that was...brill' I'd say, and likely the greater cause of my edge being somewhat tempered. Clearly my love has grown, not just for her, but for all of humanity, because for some twisted reason having taken this first step, and now well into the second stride there's almost a hope and a yearing for everything to be well and good with everyone and everything each and every time I open my eyes...so clearly my compassion has grown. Grown so much have I in the areas of compassion, love, and wanting to take on the new life symbolism that comes with marriage, J and I now have a cute bundle of joy to be referred to as The Moo, hereafter.
On The Moo: She requires a lot of food and water; and even more sleep. She grows each day discovering that there is something beyond the end of her nose, and her innocence I watch slip away each time she sees another milimetre past the end of that tip. Her awareness grows, and I am so suddenly hit with the edges of our environment. Each car that passes, each sound that occurs during the day, each movment that goes by us...these small things would invariably have gone unnoticed, and uncared for in my past life...and now they are the largest, biggest events to be scrutinized with the largest of magnifying glasses for the smallest of errors. There can no longer be flaws in my judgement. An innocent life is in my hands to guide. While I know and understand deep down in my soul that gradually The Moo's innocence will be eroded away by the daily grind of life; I do want the erosion to occur in small controlled and manageable amounts.
The defeats in my life are that much greater these days simply because they sting much more, and as a result my tolerence for foolishness and the games of an uncared for and untended garden have diminished. No general empathy for the state of people in the things/situations they've created. An unparalleled shrinkage in the desire to see what's around the next corner... I am in a better place, living in a better time, with better people by my side than I ever have had before in my life. My exposure to greater love and greater generosity is sometimes overwhelming. Each day I try to not let it get to my head, by accepting that this is just another day. That way everything is just that much more manageable; and everything and it's affects can be kept just that much smaller (because it's influence on my daily life is quite large).
Without my noticing, my life seems to have turned into the just add water kind-a-thing and its magically grown like sea monkeys I suppose, only sea monkeys are nothing but pure unadulterated shite that gets sold to you in the back of comic books, and really deranged fetish mags...
Oh come on now--don't feign ignorance--you know the ads I'm talking about, they're the ones with really small type blotched together because some dingus can't get himself a computer and uses only a typewritier...no? They're the ones next to the penis enlarger...now you get it.
Right, so things are really quite different now and as size goes everything's changed: My space in the bedroom closet's gotten smaller because my wife has taken it over with her overwhelming wave of clothes. Now this isn't new this has been an ongoing thing since we first moved in together, and it's not like she's been spending like crazy on clothes. She's just got so many of them outright.
So my clothes end up in the office, which is looking more like a stockroom these days. The number of functional computer systems in the office has shrunk to 1, and the number of computers in the house has grown by a factor of 10...something's wrong with this picture. I have a digital camera now and I take more pictures grasping at tiny moments to preserve those small fragments of time for a later year when my memory has diminished.
I use up more space on the hard drive and as a result I need more space for computer games, applications, and software that I just never owned before. Memory prices are down, so I must get more. My trousers are smaller, but my waistline is bigger. I get more clothes to replace the ones that don't fit, and my closet space gets smaller.
My general understanding is that the old addage "The more things change, the more they stay the same", is really no longer pertinent. My travels however, have led me to this one truth:
The more things shrink, the more they grow; and vice versa.
But through all this shrinkage and growth, there is thankuflly one thing that remains and hopefully will continue to remain, a rigid constant in matters of size; to be a shining beacon of light for all to follow; and a tasty delight for many to experience: my penis.
(ok, so not everyone will go down the penis path, but it's a nice ending to the piece).
[PLEASURE]
Alright scourge, so I've been away for a while...the better part of a year in fact. I haven't had the urge to rant and rave about all that much simply because life has just become so bearable and liveable. One would never think it reading through all the drivel I've dravel'd around. The more things change the more they stay the same right? Not in my case, I think that things somehow seem to shrink and grow, yet never implode or explode; as if life has finally hit that joyous equilibrium that we all strive for...be it marriage, companionship, children, a pet snake or a great CD collection, it's all the same, and it's all about walking the line with which you're comfortable. Whether you like it or not the change no matter what it is, can be weathered; and with just about the same amount of water you can cause it shrink or grow.
On J: Well sometime ago she decided to make a man of me, so I proposed, and we got married July 24, 2004. Great day that was...brill' I'd say, and likely the greater cause of my edge being somewhat tempered. Clearly my love has grown, not just for her, but for all of humanity, because for some twisted reason having taken this first step, and now well into the second stride there's almost a hope and a yearing for everything to be well and good with everyone and everything each and every time I open my eyes...so clearly my compassion has grown. Grown so much have I in the areas of compassion, love, and wanting to take on the new life symbolism that comes with marriage, J and I now have a cute bundle of joy to be referred to as The Moo, hereafter.
On The Moo: She requires a lot of food and water; and even more sleep. She grows each day discovering that there is something beyond the end of her nose, and her innocence I watch slip away each time she sees another milimetre past the end of that tip. Her awareness grows, and I am so suddenly hit with the edges of our environment. Each car that passes, each sound that occurs during the day, each movment that goes by us...these small things would invariably have gone unnoticed, and uncared for in my past life...and now they are the largest, biggest events to be scrutinized with the largest of magnifying glasses for the smallest of errors. There can no longer be flaws in my judgement. An innocent life is in my hands to guide. While I know and understand deep down in my soul that gradually The Moo's innocence will be eroded away by the daily grind of life; I do want the erosion to occur in small controlled and manageable amounts.
The defeats in my life are that much greater these days simply because they sting much more, and as a result my tolerence for foolishness and the games of an uncared for and untended garden have diminished. No general empathy for the state of people in the things/situations they've created. An unparalleled shrinkage in the desire to see what's around the next corner... I am in a better place, living in a better time, with better people by my side than I ever have had before in my life. My exposure to greater love and greater generosity is sometimes overwhelming. Each day I try to not let it get to my head, by accepting that this is just another day. That way everything is just that much more manageable; and everything and it's affects can be kept just that much smaller (because it's influence on my daily life is quite large).
Without my noticing, my life seems to have turned into the just add water kind-a-thing and its magically grown like sea monkeys I suppose, only sea monkeys are nothing but pure unadulterated shite that gets sold to you in the back of comic books, and really deranged fetish mags...
Oh come on now--don't feign ignorance--you know the ads I'm talking about, they're the ones with really small type blotched together because some dingus can't get himself a computer and uses only a typewritier...no? They're the ones next to the penis enlarger...now you get it.
Right, so things are really quite different now and as size goes everything's changed: My space in the bedroom closet's gotten smaller because my wife has taken it over with her overwhelming wave of clothes. Now this isn't new this has been an ongoing thing since we first moved in together, and it's not like she's been spending like crazy on clothes. She's just got so many of them outright.
So my clothes end up in the office, which is looking more like a stockroom these days. The number of functional computer systems in the office has shrunk to 1, and the number of computers in the house has grown by a factor of 10...something's wrong with this picture. I have a digital camera now and I take more pictures grasping at tiny moments to preserve those small fragments of time for a later year when my memory has diminished.
I use up more space on the hard drive and as a result I need more space for computer games, applications, and software that I just never owned before. Memory prices are down, so I must get more. My trousers are smaller, but my waistline is bigger. I get more clothes to replace the ones that don't fit, and my closet space gets smaller.
My general understanding is that the old addage "The more things change, the more they stay the same", is really no longer pertinent. My travels however, have led me to this one truth:
The more things shrink, the more they grow; and vice versa.
But through all this shrinkage and growth, there is thankuflly one thing that remains and hopefully will continue to remain, a rigid constant in matters of size; to be a shining beacon of light for all to follow; and a tasty delight for many to experience: my penis.
(ok, so not everyone will go down the penis path, but it's a nice ending to the piece).
[PLEASURE]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
